I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
