i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
