I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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