it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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