Moan for me like Helen Keller
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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