you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
