Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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