New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
