I wannas sexs uuuuu
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
