i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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