I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
