My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
