singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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