I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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