just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
