i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
