Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I have fence marks all over my body
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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