We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
