the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
