what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The Olympian is in my bed
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
