If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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