I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
