her facebook's as public as her vagina
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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