Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize