I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
