dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
a search helicopter?!
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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