he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
