i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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