Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
