When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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