I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
