Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
