Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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