it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
