and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize