Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
