I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
