fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
