Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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