I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
