They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
