If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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