did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
