he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
