Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
