there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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