the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
