dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
