So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
