Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
