good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
