We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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