dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
