god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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