Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
nutella sex= disaster
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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