im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
