Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize