Kiss
Puke
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Randomize
