you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Randomize
