im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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