you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My underwear smells like fireworks.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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