i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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