so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
We smell like vodka and hangover
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