He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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